LOVE THE SKIN YOU'RE IN | TRUST YOUR FEELINGS AND INVITE JOY | THE BODY OF LOVE

"We have the procedures of achievement upside down. We go after the stuff we want to have, get, accomplish, and experience outside of ourselves. And we hope, yearn, pray that we’ll be fulfilled when we get there. It’s backwards. It’s outside in. And it’s running us in circles." Danielle LaPorte - Desire Maps

Two things have happened recently:

1. - How I FEEL has became more important than how I look

2. - As I get older I realize that how I look is less of an attribute than my ability relate

Getting well and having energy is my focus

For many years I suffered from debilitating exhaustion, high blood pressure due to anxiety and chronic fatigue. 

As with many women, I felt guilty about not interacting and spending enough time with my daughter and being too tired to do stuff with my family and friends. I see other mothers playing with their kids and I felt so bad. I am so grateful for my mum who took endless photos of my daughter in her formative years, and made her life fun and interesting. For me her starter years were a blur of weariness and depression.

I have so many things I want to accomplish - so many things I want to do.

There were times in my life where I would sit down every day with a fuzzy list of to-do's and then be distracted by useless crap on the internet - which of course made me feel worse than ever. 

One of the classic sign of depression is someone who is only capable of managing the day to day essentials and just getting by. Interacting with others is super draining and to be avoided at all costs. 

If I had errands to do it made me feel better as I felt accomplished. Actually doing something that meant something to me was just too hard.

Several  times I forced myself to do big projects and there would be a surge of activity that made me feel like I was satisfying everyone's expectations of me. I would feel competent and brave.

But the surge of activity would so totally exhaust me that I would be unable to do anything for weeks - sometimes months on end.

I was so frustrated and I didn’t want to feel overwhelmed anymore. I didn’t want to feel such deep loathing for my inability to maintain the momentum once I had started.

There is no doubt that being on anti-depressants has helped me become clearer and more focused. I know that there is a lot of stigma around anti-depressants, but I take them and I let everyone know I am on them, not because I want people to feel sorry for me – but to remove the stigma.

I suffer from clinical depression which causes heightened anxiety levels. (You can read more about that here - affiliate link)

I in no way suggest you go on anti-depressants – it’s just what works for me for now, so that I can be a better mum, partner, employee and community servant.

I also don’t want to be a zombie on drugs, and my Doctor and I have found a prescription that provides a balance – she did warn me that if feel too happy then it’s not good either – so I am on a mild drug to take the edge off the anxiety.

Most importantly, taking drugs has allowed me to move away from feeling empty to feeling hopeful.

 I know now that I want to FEEL….

Joy

Passion

Excitement

Sensuality

And I have the “Desire Map” to thank for helping me find a way to these emotions.

I came upon the "Desire Map" through Danielle LaPorte’s "Fire Starter Sessions". I had just quit my job and was so sure I wanted to do designing full time (after all I have a Bachelors degree in fashion).

As a creative, I felt my only goal was to try and create or design something not be organized and focused.

I had great trouble being disciplined after I left my job - no structure - no emergencies- no people - just me, myself and I.

I wasn’t feeling any passion about my dream. So I did the FSS course and still felt like a shit afterwards – the depression had set deep in my heart. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of succeeding. I was afraid of letting my vision down.

I was so scared of dying spiritually and physically that I learnt Reiki and I am now a level 2 Reiki practitioner. The Reiki has taken me on the path I am now on, to help others heal their pain.

I take great joy in helping others find peace, but I wasn’t finding it for myself.

I needed to find joy for myself – I needed to find a pathway to my emotions without being afraid of what I was feeling.

When I did try to find maps to my hopes and dreams, all I found was preaching about goals and plans and discipline. All of which I found boring and uninspiring and unattainable and kicked against my heart – simply because it did not fulfill my desire to FEEL.

Using the “Desire Map” course work I finally found may way home to me. It sounds like a cliché I know – but it is so appropriate for me.

Now I use my desire to plot every new path in my life – I even use it for my vision board.

How I feel determines everything I do – from a new job to exercise.

I don’t do it unless it brings me joy or passion or sensuality or excitement.

Of course there are mundane things in life like supermarket shopping – but even those activities can be done using your core desires.

I make the supermarket shopping joyful by imagining what would make my family or friends happy, or how the food will nourish me, or just standing by the vegetable aisle and smelling the herbs.

And as for my weight loss goals – forget that. I just want to be healthy and vibrant. I want to have the energy to actually exercise and be social and interact with my daughter. I just want to be happy to be in the skin I’m in.

Using the Desire Map I have found my focus on health has moved from weight loss to self care. I do what it takes to make sure I am happy. Sometimes it means sleeping more, going into my room and closing the door or taking a smaller salary so I have more time to do the things that make me happy.

Once you tap into your core desires, you will change and everything will change around you.

 HOW DO YOU WANT TO FEEL?

For more on the "Desire Map" Course - click here